Out of body or out of mind?

It was me...in the dream. You know, the guy with the gas mask dressed all in black. I was just standing there in the dream, watching. But I know it was me. I've been dealing with this realization for a few days. I tend to go into hibernation when an issue arises. I don't like to cast my shadow upon others.

My prescription dose has been increased (again), though they think I may have been misdiagnosed in some areas. Dr. Rosenberg had me talking about Sylvia. This is still a tough subject. It is my fault she went into the building. It is my fault she got the Haunta Virus. It is my fault she is dead. I'm not supposed to feel this way, though. That's what I'm told at least.

It's funny to combine Dr. Rosenberg with my counselor, Mr. Tucker. Tucker has me doing this meditation-type stuff. He's all about aligning energy and whatnot. I think I prefer his methods, as crazy as they seem sometimes.

I was asked to go to some sex addicts meeting, but I declined. I'm not going through that crap. Now they are talking about me possibly having OCD?! Thank God for art. Thank God for my friends. I think I'm going crazy! I can't stop thinking about making love, and I'm reminded about it everywhere. It's been getting even worse since I am being watched so closely. I don't get out much.

So, here is a blog entry from my dear friend Michel. It may explain a bit more about what is going on. I know I can be confusing sometimes.

Showboating and Alarmism by Michel Elizabeth [link]
It's been nearly a week since my last confession. Nothing has changed. I received a visit from my good friend ben recently, and it did help a bit. I spent some time above water, and was able to do a full recharge of the sub.

There was a moment, when we were floating on the lake and enjoying cigarettes at night, when it felt like it was almost summer. After more than a decade of training to feel the seasons and the rhythms of schooling - which even I was party to - that first twinge of summer is about the most envigorating sensation I can think of. Looking back a year is sort of bewildering, and thinking forward a year is perplexing but exciting. Then I ran out of gerunds.

The longest topic of discussion was the idle quest for information that we both share. Neither of us feel isolated in the world, despite our relative un-worldliness (or otherworldliness?) to certain city-folk, mainly because of a certain general philosophy about learning. It might be mostly trivia, but it annexes our studies in music and art and culture to a way that gives the most modern perspective our limited minds can arrive at. Knowing that the proper name for Webster Lake, the Morale's headquarters, is the longest place name in the US somehow feels relevant when studying all of these artsy type things. There is no such thing as artistic truth... just pursuit. I'm sure that's been said before, but not from a submarine.

I never wrote about Borges, and I should've. My favourite story can be found here. The narrator tries to find the source of an encyclopaedia article about a country that doesn't exist, but, in telling the story, references books that don't exist... There is more to the story, but I don't want to spoil it for anyone, not that it matters much. The idea kind of creeps me out, like, it sort of makes me scared to be an Atheist for some reason. It just reeks of death. Apparently the story is supposed to have some political implications. I'm no literary analysis major, nor do I presume I will ever become, but I think Borges is more the natural extension of Camus or Kafka than anything else... I feel the same way about living and accepting my reality when I read him as I do they. Which is to say, I sort of want to die.

Anyway, I realised I know nothing about building web pages, so Sylvia's memorial page may be slowed down a bit. I also starting reading Brothers Karamazov. It's long, and I'm pretty sure I'm missing something, but Fyodr is the biggest asshole in history, even though he has some interesting arguments.

One good thing: I created a purevolume account to post some music. I'll have to make a string of them, because you can only have four songs per account, and the compression will likely suck balls. I need to shop around for a good music site to post. Fuck Myspace, naturally.

Featured Deviant: ~Silme-Amelie Note: This is not the Sylvia previously spoken about...just so you know. This is one of my greatest friends and likewise one of the greatest people in the world. Please visit her!




Featured Deviation: by ~livvydarling



Recommended Sites:
The Morale [link]
Michel's PV [link]
The Secret [link]
Bert Monroy [link]
Chris Anthony [link]


Band of the Day: A Minor Forest... Check them out! [link] [link]
They are amazing.

Album of the Day: Nina Nastasia "Dogs" [link] [link]
Beautiful singer/songwriter album with production by Steve Albini! [link]

Song of the Day: Arab Strap "I Still Miss You" [link] [link]
Gut-wrenchingly honest.

Film of the Day: "The Night Listener" directed by Patrick Stettner, starring Robin Williams [link] [link]
A very good movie based on a true story. I think this film is better than the ratings it has received.

Book of the Week: "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho [link] [link]
This book could possibly change your life...and I don't say stuff like that often.

For what it's worth...

-Anton(y) Noone